V Cars Diary of a Novice
Triathlete – Day Four
Days to first swim (Sunday August 5th): 40 Weight: 90kg
Date: Thursday June 25th 2012
Oh God. I’ve got to stop that. I type to you now with fingers covered in Marks & Spencer Full Flavour (a euphemism for full fat these days) Salt & Vinegar ‘Chiplets’. Made from the finest ingredients it says here. Apparently, as far as M&S is concerned, the finest ingredients include Dried Potatoes, E450 and Emulsifier: E471, and Anti-Caking Agent Calcium Phosphate, E551. Perhaps when they say finest they actually mean the most finely ground – which I would at least applaud of brazen duplicity.
So, clearly, I didn’t train yesterday. I spent the whole day, working from home, in front of a keyboard writing about cars, restaurants and a lot of other important things. God, that and the crisps makes me sound like a cardiac arrest waiting to happen.
Homeworking, for those who’ve not sampled its delights is, ironically, a bit like fish and chips. It looks good on paper but always leaves you feeling, not matter how much you try and justify it, wishing you’d never done it. This morning, I tried to make amends by cycling into work and back. It’s only five miles but, as my office-mate always says: “It’s free exercise, isn’t it?”
On the subject of free exercise, tonight is football night. The same group of declining men have met every Thursday at 7.15pm to play five-a-side football in the same place for over 15 years (I joined them six years ago). That has to be some sort of record.
While there are some technically able players, it’s clear the pace has gone out of the game. The best way to describe the declining performance, I decided, is like gravy. Where once we were piping hot, fluid, a bit tasty and full of meaty goodness, we’ve all sort of coagulated. We’re largely gelatinous. You know that with an awful lot of effort you’re going to be able to rekindle something palatable but it’s never going to be as good as it once was.
I’ve no beef with that.
Fighting the waves of own’s demise like some sort of mid-life-crisis King Canute, can lead to the path of narcissistic obsession – a path to which I suspect I’m about to return some time very soon. I’ve even started looking a sports cars. Aren’t we all clichés?
So, football tonight, cycling to and from work. I might even try and cram some swimming in if I’ve got time – well, I’ll have to do something to shelve those Chiplets. I’ve just looked at the calorific intake: 1875 calories for 100g. That’s the same as about an hour and a half of swimming. Bugger. I didn’t even enjoy them.
That’s it. I’ve learned two valuable lessons today:
1 Marks & Spencer have a pretty strange interpretation of finest ingredients.
2 Crisps don’t make you feel good.
Football tonight. Swimming tomorrow. I solemnly promise.
The Novice Triathlete
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